Ha.

I'll just laugh it off..

...

way to go..
maybe I'm next..


trust me.. i'm okay

Hey there :)

Hey you.. look, maybe you're right. hell, you were always right. I know I've been down for far too long yet I know it's foolish of me to even be down like this. There's something in me that wants to prove everyone wrong; the stubbornness and selfish part of me. I knew what I was going in for and I know everyone hates that a part of me.. even you.

The fact that we broke up was because of us. not you, not me.. us.. We were so caught up with everything. our promises. Our beliefs and actions. Everyday was always something that we looked forward to. we were so happy that we didn't care. okay, maybe we did. haha..

I will be honest. I hate you. I told you that I'll never leave you, yet.. you did. hard, eh? I kept my word and I trusted you. I gave my all, yet I ended up losing you and making me feel more angry towards every thing. I was shit. I was restless... for months.. I endured the whole thing.. 2 months after I received a message from you saying you were happy with someone. I cracked. was it that easy? good for you...

I pushed everyone away... Our friends. people. You. I took my chances and made slow steps to recovery. I sat alone thinking, I drank and started smoking again. I got into a fight with a big guy who's more swoll and tougher than I... something.. Just to keep myself occupied..

you deleted me off Facebook. I didn't mind. you were happy.. Thats what counts.. you inactivated me off your life. I did you in mine. Your name was taboo. talk about over the limit, huh?

A conversation about chance:

P: me? there's a chance that it might be me. there's a chance not.

M: i know. theres a chance youll get sick of waiting. theres also a chance you wont.

P: there's a chance i'll stay and love you like i am now. so many possibilities...different outcomes of the future..but i want this and i will wait for you..

M: you dont know for sure. i dont know for sure. you can say that now, but we cant help if we change or not, right? weve promised eachother many things that we cant guarantee well follow through. they could be potential unintentional lies. but we dont know yet.

P: thank you. i really need that. (: you have no idea how much i wanted to talk this with you...and you're right....and besides our problem is that we're far apart. there's no physical contact between us. yes, i'm being faithful. i'm being careful. i try so hard to keep my promises for you. because I truly love you....and..we hae priorities that we must do. school, work...i mean..you know..darren, darren was sort of like..there..and..it made things complicated for us, who knows what will happen next. high school is so big and the guys and girls..junior year..man..what are my possibilities..we won't see each other..as much..and you'll grow tired, and you know..it'll hurt..but i want to know that atleast..you're happy

M: you dont know if ill grow tired or not. for all we know, it could be the other way around. for all we know, wed both get tired and just call it quits. for all we know..we can make it. you cant predict the future. i cant either. feelings change. they can either grow stronger or weaker. we cant predict whether well move forwards or backwards, so lets not talk like we can and think of everything here.

P: ...i just really want you to be happy...

M: do you really? do you really want me to be happy with or without you? if i can find someone better, would you really want me to leave you brokenhearted and in the dust? or even if i found someone better, would you want me to keep my eyes on you and grow old with you? be honest with yourself. ima be honest i dont want you to be happy without me.

P: why not? i mean...after all, who wouldn't be...sure, i'll learn to accept the fact that one day, a guy's just going to be with you and he'll be so much unique and happy that you'll just..comepletely be happy with him, and it'll hurt..it will, but i'm going to accept this because who in the world would not want happiness for someone, right? sure...what if..we could still be best of friends, right?

M: and if its the other way around ima be a bitch and ill be selfish and try to still get you again. thats my problem. if it went the other way around, id have troubles letting go. but if it went this way, youd completely let it go. either way it still hurts, does it not?

P: we just wouldn't know. because what if..i let you go because the guy made you so happy that i couldn't make you as much happy as he can. so i gave up, but i still have feelings for you...i'll drink, i'll smoke..just to ease it away...but if it was the other way around...you'd chase me, i'd still be alone. trying to make others happy for their sake; ignoring mine...i'd be happy to know you're happy..

Things happened. Change. Events. Series of events. People come and go.. A dear friend's passing. A secret wedding. News of financial crises. Drugs. Sex. Another lover?

A part of me doesn't want to go, yet another part of me wants to say, "Wake up and stop it." Some friends say it was for the better, others say stay for a bit and see what'll happen. I stayed quiet.

Have you ever heard that saying, "if you love someone, let them go"? Really.. Shouldn't you pull them back in. I know your term for love has changed in a way shape or form. Mine has too. Try watching Scott Pilgrim without laughing... LOL..

He was right. You were my Summer. I was your Tom. Is this really the end of us, or will there be something in it for us again? Our move. Do you think so? I want to stay in between..

I'm so sorry. Please, take my apology.. you didn't deserve it. You never did. being honest, I hurt you more than you hurt me. I push you away when you try and open up and I'll tell you i'm okay when i'm not. I get angry when you tell me you're okay when you're not. I was very secretive about everything. Nothing did change. Well, your feelings did. That made it stressful for you.

You left. You made it to the other side without any sort of reconsideration.

I don't want to lose you. I don't want to forget you.. I don't want you out of my life because you're important to me. I'm very sorry and I hope you do forgive me. let me just take this slow pace.. long and hard.. I'm not ready to see the brighter side of things because I know in the end, what if the things I'll say wouldn't be there to begin with?

But you as my best friend. It's better than being nothing at all.. You are and always will be my best friend. You know me more than anyone else. I'm like an open book to you...

I'm so sorry.. for everything that I've done. I really am, M.